WTF Sheldon

As of late, my life has taken a turn down an unexpected avenue… that is covered wall to wall in paint. Last October, my friend and I adopted the hobby of sneaking around at night and exploding colorful fluid on flat surfaces in unconventional ways. Since then, we began crafting cannons for means of high velocity paint application, and maximum showmanship of course:

Around the same time that this practice was budding, I ran out and bought “Splatoon” since the vibrant ink sloshing nature of the game hit close to home. It would become my nightly mantra of Japanese bukakke-flavored vandalism from which I’d channel inspiration.

For those who aren’t familiar with the game, Splatoon is basically a paint-ball style shooter, where teams battle in mini turf wars to try and cover the most surface area with their color of ink. The game’s setting is in a nautical themed pseudo-Tokyo that is filled with teen-aged sea creatures and Japanese pop-culture. You and the other players of the world are squid kids (thus the ink squirting)… and you of course share the setting with jelly-fish, shrimp, sea urchins, and other evolved sea-kin…

The game’s characters have some darkness to them. If you’re a fan, you’d likely argue that the shady sea urchin sitting on the floor of the alleyway who mysteriously “acquires” the items you envy from the nearby squid kids, and also shucks the quivering pile of sea snails stacked next to him with a screw driver wins the award for most disturbing, hands down:

It’d argue however that Sheldon, the unassuming trilobite across the street, is by far leagues creepier that the pseudo-stoner sea urchin above. This kid’s got secrets.

So allow me to introduce you to the foremost of WTF…

When you log into the game, you appear in the middle of a busy cross-walk lined with skate-shops where you can buy clothing and other accessories. The most important of which is the storefront where you can purchase weapons and other ink slinging peripherals:

In here, you can find all sorts of fun toys made by the shop owner, a Boy Scout named, SHELDON.

He may look adorable standing there unassuming, but notice how he seems almost uncomfortably eager; with his hands folded quaintly. In the game he even bobs hurriedly back and forth like he is shy… or nervous. This might appear to be the hallmark of innocence, but I’m onto you Sheldon. Seriously. There is something slightly off here.

He is more than willing to offer a windy description of all his wares as you scroll through his list of weapons. Some of which he will mention were built from his grand-pappy’s blueprints (who was also a weapons monger himself).

If you happen to see something you like, Sheldon will gladly let you test any of his goods in a walled off area just behind his shop:

There’s nothing weird about it…

Just some high concrete walls, random patches of dirt and stuff. Totally normal.

I’ve wrecked this place dozens of times without any regard. But last night in my dazed and sleepy boredom… I started thinking about what was right in font of me.

…why mounds of dirt everywhere, Sheldon?

I’m not saying they were recently put there or anything… Every “back area” of an arms dealer’s lair has the right to be a little disheveled. What has me though is the obvious stipulation in regard to Sheldon and his family’s legacy of engineering ink weaponry:

Sheldon, though adorable, IS NOT A SQUID. He’s not even an ink producing cephalopod. Why is his shop called Ammo Knights when effectively, he has no way of creating any “ammo” to prototype his own weapons with?

Even if he doesn’t need ink in order to test his gear… doesn’t dedicating your life to the practice of building devices for another creatures fluid excretion border on the creepy?

just stuff to think about.

I use to come visit Sheldon after my nightly battles to say hi… maybe test out a new cannon or entertain the idea of sniping. He’s the type of cute I’d poke in the rib and say something vaguely inappropriate to as flirtation… but now every time I go into that back area with the high concrete walls, I can’t help but wonder if this is the time he doesn’t let me back out again. O_O

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